WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.