Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
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An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.