Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
You Might Also Like
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.