Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here