My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
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Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Put the is in disheveled
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice