Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Yup!
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Awesome parenting 😂
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!