Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
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Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Does your wife know you’re single?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go