Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
You Might Also Like
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
no one ever comes back
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.