doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
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Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.