Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”