Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
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Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
I want to meet the individual who made this
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
😂 amazing answer
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time