[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
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I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”