I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
When ur friends with white people
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Born to be mild.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl