Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
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I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.