Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Squirrels before girls.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
how to market bottled water to dads
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Lmao
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.