There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
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garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern