Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The devil.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.