[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Swedish for common sense.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this: