my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
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My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.