Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
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I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*