Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
You Might Also Like
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf