Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
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If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Autocorrect is my menesis
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?