Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
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Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Natural selection at its finest
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.