Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Brands during Pride
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.