Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
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All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD