Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
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*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.