♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
“What?”
– Jude
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
No chill.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet