One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
You Might Also Like
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
An odd boast
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart