As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
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“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1