“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.