her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
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Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me