I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
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If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store