I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I need a headline like this
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.