wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”