I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
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Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
October already? What’s next? November????
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights