*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.