[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
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a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My neck, my back, my…
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud