me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
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[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Are you ok, human???
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.