“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.