(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
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I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*