beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.