dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
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My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,