i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
No way!
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller