i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
You Might Also Like
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.