Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
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My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
dam girl
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Personal question. #JustSaying
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.