Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Why is everyone getting married at me
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act