Monday
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Saturday
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.