went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
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Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
🍛
Seems legit
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: