They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
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