Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.